"Yeah, well God hasn't been so kind to my family this year".....that comment popped right out of my mouth yesterday when I was talking to a coworker about my Mom. I turned away in tears partly because of what Mom is going to be going through but also because I couldn't believe that I voiced that out loud. Thankfully this conversation was with a fellow christian and not a non-beliver. I haven't wanted to admit it but I guess I am not real happy with the way God is doing things right now. The thing is...God already new this anger was in my heart so who did I think I was fooling? Now that I have voiced it maybe I can start to do something about it. But last night I was kind of shaking my fist and saying OK God let's clear the air right here..right now. I want answers.... and I want them now..... I don't want to wait and see the bigger picture...to understand how this was all part of God's plan that I will some day understand.....answer me now!!!!
Why does Mom have cancer.....Why are you putting Josh & Taylor through this struggle.....Why after so many prayers did precious little Nathan have to die....Why did David have to die......Why did Bob have to die so suddenly.....Why does Dad struggle with pain everyday.....why...why...why....why...why!!!!! I could go on forever but you get my drift here.
After my pity party I decided I had to pray for forgiveness and start counting my blessings...but guess what I was still too angry. Now I am praying that God will help me sort out these feelings......that I will let him work in my heart so I can be the christian that he wants me to be. Whew...this is really too much sadness for me..I like happy...I want happy.....The next post will be happy.....Maybe I will have a funny story about how Jan & I tackled Dallas traffic today!!
A letter to my students
7 years ago
2 comments:
It is completely normal to question God... to be angry with Him. Through treatment before I ever got pregnant, I didn't have peace until I "had it out" with God. Someone told me that because He knows what's in our hearts already, we just need to let it all out!
I'm with you thought... I want happy.
I don't think finding joy in the Lord has anything to do with being happy all the time. I know your family in general has a happy disposition (I thought Jenni was on happy pills the first few months we met...just kidding) but there are times to rejoice and times to mourn. And being angry is part of mourning.
I'm so sorry that so many terrible things keep happening to your family. It just doesn't seem fair, and I wonder what God's thinking sometimes. It's hard to believe He wants the best for us when things like this happen. But you (and your family) are dearly loved by God and others. Keep hanging in there...He's faithful no matter what.
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